Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
