Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
