It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
