She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
