Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
