i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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