he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
