I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
