Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
