I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
