Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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