So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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