you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
