if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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