Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Randomize
