sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Never underestimate the power of titties
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I need mimosas to revive my soul
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
