I just saw a hot homeless man
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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