gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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