and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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