they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The Olympian is in my bed
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