I can text with my tongue
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
