Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
