Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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