you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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