so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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