I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I lost the right to judge tonight
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
