Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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