I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
