I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
