I think my fart just growled at me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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