I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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