It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
