I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
