i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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