Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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