i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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