Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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