I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
