She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
