Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
