East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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