The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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