there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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