Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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