You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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