Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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