david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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