We're like a lot better than the average bears
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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