i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We need to rekindle our bromance
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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