The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
